Too Soon for Who?

Because who really decides when it’s okay to sleep with a guy?

BY Anna Boling ★ April 10th, 2026

Design by: Maisy Wood

Back in high school, one of my best friend’s moms handed her a copy of Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov. Naturally, we were all curious, huddling over its pages and trading notes on the rules we apparently needed to follow if we ever wanted to be taken seriously in the dating world. Even though the book preached confidence and self-respect, I couldn’t stop thinking about how many rules we were willing to make for ourselves just to earn a man’s respect. Why were we learning how to be respected instead of just expecting it? 

Of course, the rule we obsessed over most was timing. It may have never shown up in the pages from Sherry Argov, but it did show up every day. And here it is, the loaded question… How long do you have to wait before sleeping with him if you want to be “taken seriously?” Three dates? Five? Never on the first, obviously. As if there’s a countdown clock on respect, and once you move too fast, you’ve forfeited it. What was always funny is how one-sided the risk felt. The same behavior that makes her “easy” makes him… what, exactly? Lucky? Desired? Still fully respectable?

So when I sat down on my couch the other night, a glass of wine in hand, I asked my roommates this same question. How long do you think you have to wait to sleep with a guy if you actually want him to respect you? The conversation felt like one straight out of Sex and the City. 

“Probably four dates – ya know? Because they expect it on the third so waiting one more will really get them,” said one of them. 

“Well, technically, I wouldn’t sleep with them on the first two hook-ups, but probably on the third,” another said. 

“It’s not really one-size-fits-all. I say sleep with them whenever. Who cares?” the last one said, raising her eyebrows, and presenting us with perhaps what might be the most charged question of them all. Because really, who cares? And more importantly, why do we assume that somebody does? 

Well, because underneath all of the strategies, timelines, and whispers of “don’t sleep with him too soon,” there is still the same underlying belief we learned years ago… that a woman’s respect is conditional. We learned that it can be gained or lost based on how well she manages herself. 

Men aren’t warned about becoming too easy. They aren’t told to ration themselves in order to be taken seriously. The risk, almost entirely, sits with women. And it isn’t just the risk of being judged. It is also the risk of being devalued. 

The timeline has collapsed, but the expectation surely hasn’t. If anything, it’s just shifted. There is less emphasis on when you sleep with someone, and more on how you act after. You shouldn’t text first. You shouldn’t ask what it means. You shouldn’t seem too interested too quickly. We’ve all heard these thrown around casually, and we’ve all accepted them for what they are. 

As much as we live in a college culture of spontaneity, there seems to still be this underlying belief that women are always responsible for how things unfold, and that if it turns into nothing, maybe she misplayed it. Moved too fast. Said too much. Gave it up too quickly. 

And men? They’re still allowed to just… be there.

Edited by: Anna Altman