The “Je Ne Sais Quoi”
The secret of learning to be comfortable in your own skin
BY Maria Jose Coronel ★ October 15th, 2025
Photo credit: Freya Jansen
Waiting for his text at 12 am, looking at his likes on reels, having a bad day if he doesn't respond?
We’ve all met that girl.
High school, college, parties or even at work…There is always that one girl who draws our attention. Some people may think it’s her beauty, her intelligence or charm. Its reality has nothing to do with that.
At its core, the concept of the “ je ne sais quoi” comes down to one thing; a woman who’s completely at ease in her own skin that refuses to be made to feel small. It’s less about perfection and more about mystery, that spark of intrigue that can’t be faked. True je ne sais quoi has a little rebellion in it, a “may-care” confidence that says she doesn’t need anyone’s approval. (Argov, 2023, p. 18).
Can anyone achieve that?
Self obsession is universal. An effortless attitude keeps everyone on edge, that’s why a girl that’s always on the run (like Serena Vanderwodsen) creates mystery! Sherry Argov puts it best in Why Men Love Bitches, confidence isn’t a performance, it’s a boundary. The people with that magnetic pull don’t beg for attention or chase love, they set the tone for how they’ll be treated.
Having je ne sais quoi means you know when to walk away, when to laugh it off, and when to pour yourself a matcha instead of another emotional crisis. It’s emotional independence dressed up as effortless charm: a mix of strength, softness, and the kind of self-respect that quietly says, I’m good either way.
Does it work?
What if I was told to not think about an orange tree? Instantly, it’s the only thing on your mind. That’s exactly how this The Backwards Law by Allan Watts law works—the more we try not to care, the more we end up caring. Watts puts it simply: “the harder we try, the less likely we succeed.” (After Skool, 2018). When you push too hard, you push it away.
Funnily enough, that’s also how attraction works. The people who are calm in their own orbit, who don’t chase or force connection, are the ones who quietly pull others in.
Here is the twist.
When you’re too focused on trying to impress or be chosen, you lose that natural glow, that spark that makes people curious. But when you’re immersed in your own rhythm, and genuinely happy, people can feel it. It’s being fulfilled enough that love becomes an addition, not a rescue mission.
So, maybe je ne sais quoi was never about being mysterious after all. Maybe, it’s just what happens when you build a life that’s already full. Alan Watts would call it the paradox of desire; when you stop chasing, things flow naturally. Sherry Argov would call it boundaries. I call it a hobby, a passion, a reason to wake up that isn’t someone else. Because the truth is, confidence doesn’t come from being wanted, it comes from being whole. The ones who glow aren’t waiting for a text, they’re too busy doing things that make them feel alive. That’s the real je ne sais quoi, the quiet magnetism of someone who’s happy on their own, and still open to love—but never dependent on it.
Reference List
After Skool. (2018, March 15). The backwards law – Alan Watts [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O42tZse-P6w&t=235s
Argov, S. (2023). Why men love bitches: From doormat to dreamgirl – A woman’s guide to holding her own in a relationship. Adams Media.
Edited by: Dayna Bhatti Roberts