Getting Swept Off Your Feet Doesn't Sweep Away Your Feminism
Even a feminist gets to fall in love.
by RACHEL MUSMAN ★ AUGUST 4, 2022
Picture this: you have a first date tonight. There are butterflies in your stomach. You shower, obviously shave everything despite knowing you're just getting food, and sit down at your desk ready to do your “not trying too hard but still trying makeup look.” Two episodes of your favorite Netflix show later, you’re ready to go. Your hair is perfectly curled, lips glossed, your curves accentuated in a frilly sundress.
He picks you up, takes you to dinner, puts his card down, and you play the check dance. He passes the test, insisting he pays the bill. A grin forms on your face. You feel like you're out with a gentleman, and you’re ridiculously attracted to him.
As much as I hate to say it, I am beyond attracted to hypermasculine men. The stereotypical athletic frat boy who’s probably majoring in finance. I can also say that I am a feminist. And these two things can coexist.
Our society is based on a patriarchal state. Why not have your man pay his dues for the fact that if you worked the same job you would only make 82 cents to his dollar? Nothing he does will make up for the missing 18 cents, but maybe after some bags being carried, drinks on him, and flowers here and there; some minor improvements could be made. Sorry, we all deserve someone who’s that obsessed with us.
Regardless of your sexual orientation, having gender roles in your relationship does not invalidate any of your beliefs. I will note that this is coming from a heterosexual perspective so I can’t speak on the experience of those in the LGBTQ+ community but acknowledging gender roles are integral to any important relationship.
We always hear, “So who's the man?” asked to people in lesbian relationships. This question enforces an antiquated idea that a romantic relationship is one between a hypermasculine man and a hyperfeminine woman. As gender binaries and expressions continue to blur, finding your gender role in your relationship is more of a personal exploration rather than a forced societal narrative.
People just automatically assume that one person takes on the role of “wearing the pants” and being dominant, while the other abides. F*ck that! Relationships should be 50/50: push and pull. Both of your voices matter equally, even if your staple attire is hot pink and frilly and your boyfriend’s is a… flannel over a hoodie.
This applies to so much more than romantic relationships. Dressing like a “girly-girl” has zero correlation with your status as a feminist. Dress for yourself. Caring about your looks and taking 45 minutes to do your makeup is not giving into misogyny if it makes you feel the most like yourself. Saying that you have to flip the narrative completely in order to be a “good feminist” would be a result of internalized misogyny in and of itself. Dressing the way that makes you feel the most confident is more feminist than trying to follow one stereotype or overcorrect another.
We’re told not to judge people on a surface level. Not to judge the girl who chooses not to shave her armpits, the girl who wears no bra (nipples are totally an accessory!), the guy who wears a skirt, and so on. So why is it okay to make fun of the girl abiding by gender roles in her relationship? It ISN’T.
So the next time you feel shame for following your heart in your own relationship or fashion choices, don’t; because they are your choices to make.
Cover Photo Credit: Pinterest