Bachelor in Paradise Premier Recap
BIP is back, and my serotonin levels are soaring.
by LAYLA HARRISON ★ AUGUST 27, 2021
BIP is back with a star-studded cast including our new and improved host, David Spade (or Dave Chapelle according to Tammy from Peter’s season…) The ladies on the beach are: Serena P (Matt), Queen Goddess Victoria (Matt), Mari (Matt), Kelsey (Peter), Jessenia (Matt), Abigail (Matt), Serena C (Matt), Tammy (Peter), Natasha (Peter), Victoria P (Peter), Deandra (Peter), Maurissa (Peter), Tahzjuan (Colton), and late arrival Demi (Colton). The men are Grocery Store Joe (Becca), Brenden (Tayshia), Noah (Tayshia), Ivan (Tayshia), Kenny (Tayshia), James (Katie), Karl (Katie), Trey (Katie), Aaron (Katie), and Connor the Cat (Katie).
The episode starts WITHOUT the iconic theme song. You know, “Almost Paradise, we’re knocking on heaven’s door…” YEAH. They skipped that, which does NOT sit well with me. The cast shows up one by one and Kenny, the 40-year-old boy band manager, shows up...butt naked. He comes in with his eyes set on Mari because she was “the hottest girl on Matt’s season,” and he proceeds to have a calm chat with her on the day beds...of course, still fully nude. Luckily, Mari says she is excited to meet him, which is sort of perfect because although she’s 25, she looks 35, so the age gap doesn’t count in my eyes.
Kelsey pops champagne with David Spade upon arrival, which is the only way to come back from ~Champagne Gate~ with dignity. Unfortunately, the dignity is stripped once again as she reveals she’s wearing a laxative on her face for DIY sweat-proof makeup…
Connor the Cat shows up and performs a song that name drops the girls he’s excited to meet in paradise. He’s a sweet dude, but EVERYTHING this guy does gives me the ick.
Joe arrives and declares, “Right now I’m in a really good headspace.” And you know what? I believe him. And I’m jealous. Then oop! Suddenly, Joe’s having a meltdown. He says he’s feeling like an outsider and questioning everything from his outfit choice to whether he can find love in paradise. Homie is going through it.
Tazquan’s intro package is literally her BIP heatstroke meltdown, and I’m convinced it doesn’t get better. Cut to her arrival interview; she’s SOAKING with sweat. It’s visually troubling. Trey takes an interest in her right away, but she reveals she went on a DATE WITH HIS UNCLE? Regardless, Trey is into her and they have a lil smooch. She reports that he’s a better kisser than his uncle. Just. Ok. I’m so uncomfortable.
Queen Victoria arrives and announces she got crystals and was reborn as Goddess Victoria. She tells Spade “The queen is dead.” He replies, “Oh. I didn’t get CC-ed on that.” Funny. Victoria takes a passive approach, waiting for her “sun god” to make the first move and approach her. Spoiler: she is not approached. By any man. The only guy I could see Victoria with is Karl. Sorry, not sorry.
Serena P (23) introduces herself as “The girl who sent the Bachelor home” and is instantly established as a hot commodity in paradise. Ivan, Brenden, and Joe all take interest in her. Despite their 12-year age gap and Joe (35) being the angstiest person on the beach, says talking with Serena reminds him of being with Kendall Long (his ex of 2 years who he met on BIP). Serena and Joe make a strong connection.
Noah introduces himself to David Spade by gushing about Abigail the entire time. He’s a nurse and admires how she doesn’t see her deafness as a disability. It’s really wholesome. He pulls Abigail the second he hits the beach and they hit it off. She gets the first date card of the season and picks Noah for the date. She spends the date talking about her dating reservations, how she gets asked out a lot, friend-zones guys really quickly, and moves slowly in relationships. Noah doesn’t seem into any of this, but they have an awkward kiss so maybe (?) they’re into each other? But then again, an awkward kiss can just mean you’re, like, at sleepaway camp.
Day 1 Make Outs:
Serena P and Joe
Jessenia and Ivan
Abigail and Noah
Tammy and Aaron
Mari and Kenny
Tahzjuan and Trey
Maurissa and Connor
She has hickeys on day 2 which just makes me even more grossed out by Connor. This man can’t do a thing right in my eyes. Heart of gold though.
*Editor’s note: if my friends and I aren’t keeping an active list of make outs like this every night this year, I don’t ~ want it ~.
At the end of the episode, Demi arrives on the beach and declares her intent to stir the pot and steal someone’s man. How is Bachelor Nation not sick of her by now? Besides this shock arrival, the season preview promises so many more shock arrivals, like Becca Kufrin and Kendall Long, and upsetting relationships, like Demi and gorgeous Brenden. Although the preview basically spoiled the entire f*cking season AND they robbed us of our precious theme song, I will watch religiously. We’ve gone 2 years without BIP, I’ll take what I can get. Beggars can’t be choosers. See you next week!