How To Gracefully End a Toxic Friendship
Don’t you know that you’re toxic?
by MAYA CAMPOS ★ JULY 27, 2021
We’ve all been there: a friendship that was once filled with laughs and fun outings suddenly being replaced by the anxiety of having to respond to their texts or wonder if they will flake on you at the last minute. Toxic people can be hard to spot. It isn’t something that just comes up on your first coffee date or sushi dinner. What makes a toxic person so toxic is their ability to manipulate and hide their toxicity. Nobody comes with a warning sign, so if you think you might be in a toxic friendship, look out for these warning signs.
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HOW TO RECOGNIZE A TOXIC FRIENDSHIP
It’s totally inevitable--at one point or another, you’re going to encounter “friends” who stand in the way of you becoming your ~best self. ~ Not a cute look, which is why it’s important to recognize a toxic friend and be able to cut it off ~gently~ without any tears or bloodshed. “Toxic” can be kind of a buzzword now; we all have friends who won’t shut up about their breakup from over a year ago or live with people who are gross and messy, but there is a difference between difficult or annoying and actually being toxic. Before you end all of your relationships because something is slightly off or that one text sounded passive aggressive, let's talk about what toxic really means.
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Control
If they are trying to control you in ANY aspect of your life--bestie, that’s toxic. They don’t need to know where you are 24/7 or who you are hanging out with and why. Nobody--not even your best friend--needs to play a role in every aspect of your life.
Playing Victim
Toxic people just LOVE to be the victim. Something is always happening to them, not because of their actions. Nothing can be their fault--somehow, it’s always somebody else’s. They will find a way to place the blame on anyone but themselves and come up with excuse after excuse as to why things are going a certain way. Don’t fall for it and feel bad for them, because that just means that their manipulative tactics are working.
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They Disregard YOUR boundaries
Respecting boundaries is a sign of a healthy relationship. Toxic people love to violate other peoples’ boundaries and then not take responsibility. It doesn’t matter what that boundary is--if you put up a boundary, they should respect that. It’s not their problem. Someone who truly cares about you won’t break them. Toxic people also tend to want a lot of attention and time, which can sometimes overstep your other relationships or engagements.
SO NOW WHAT?
If you went down this list saying, check, check, check AGAIN in your head...time to cut ties. We don't have time for relationships that don’t serve any benefit in our lives. We don’t have to completely burn bridges, unfollow them on everything and block their number. There are ways to end a relationship completely gracefully and with integrity.
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Try To Do It In Person
Yes, it's much easier to send a long text that you can carefully type out with your friend and spend an hour thinking about it before you press send. But texting can be messy. What you want to say and how you want to sound might not come off in the same way when someone picks up their phone to read it. And now the hour you spent drafting that text was for nothing. No matter how much you resent this person now, you don’t want to reciprocate their toxicity. Break up IRL and feelings will be marginally less hurt.
Prepare what you want to say
Practice in front of your mirror, your other friends, or your cat. However you want to prepare, make sure you have an idea of what you want to say. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, you can blurt out something you might not mean. If you’re prepared, won’t get flustered and completely forget all the major points you wanted to make.
Be honest, but kind
No need to completely pile on that person and tell them all the reasons they are a horrible human being. Let’s be nice. You’re the bigger person! No need to pull out the knives and just start attacking. Most of the time, toxic traits come from underlying bigger issues. Don’t let the fear of confronting someone about your issues with them get in the way of saying what you need to say, but don’t start pointing fingers and placing blame. It might be tempting to tell your friend they completely ruined your life (bit dramatic). Try to approach it as a flawed relationship not that it's all your toxic friends fault.
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Removing a toxic person from your life is like lifting a huge weight off your shoulders that you might've not even known was there. Saying goodbye to that person will free up more time for you to focus on yourself and your friends and relationships that help you grow as a person. Not all friendships are meant to last forever. There is a time and place for everyone in your life, and no relationship is perfect. Friendships have their struggles and it is good to know when to call it quits. After you decide to say au revoir to your friendship, you can forgive, forget, and move on.