Marisa Bardach Ramel: Mother, Memoirist, Girl Boss

Spoiler alert: she’s amazing!

by GRACE MCCORMICK ★ OCTOBER 17, 2019

Marisa Bardach Ramel was busy dating a boy her mom didn’t like, applying to colleges and trying to figure out how to get out of Oceanside, New York when she found out her mother had two months to live.

On Jan. 13, 2000, Ramel’s mother came home from a doctor’s appointment and told her daughter she had terminal pancreatic cancer. “This diagnosis did not belong in my world at all,” said Ramel. She was only 17 and said all she was thinking about was moving away and getting some space between her and her parents. But suddenly, her world had changed drastically.

Ramel said she pretended her mother was dead the second she received the diagnosis.

At first, she had a hard time processing the news. Ramel said her 17-year-old self felt like, “If this is the reality of what's happening, I'm just going to pretend it's already happened and try to move on with my life as if she's already gone.”

This reaction wasn’t out of hatred or malice; it was a part of her grieving. Ramel’s mother at first tried to let her daughter come back in her own time. When she didn’t, Ramel and her mother had a huge argument about Ramel pulling away so harshly.

Ramel said it was the worst fight she has ever had with anyone. However, this fight ended up being the best thing for their relationship. They slowly started to mend their relationship and tried to find their new normal, post-diagnosis.

Her mom went through chemotherapy and lived for another two and a half years. In that time, they decided to write a memoir together, alternating perspectives chapter by chapter, about the struggles they experienced in their relationship after Bardach’s diagnosis. The two hoped by writing this book, they could help other mother-daughter pairs strengthen their bond through reading this book together.

Ramel felt it was important for her to be willing to be embarrassed. She said, “I had to include every ugly thought about when my mom was diagnosed. I had to show the parts of me that were being a huge brat to her.”

The vulnerability shown in the memoir was why Ramel wanted her and her mother’s story to be told. She wanted to validate the feelings of other girls out there in the same position. “Maybe another girl is also, kind of like, wishing to kill her mom off instead of live through a cancer diagnosis,” Ramel said. “I want her to know that that’s normal.”

Ramel’s hope of sharing her and her mother’s story came true; “The Goodbye Diaries,” was published in May. Although the duo started the book when Ramel was a freshman at Syracuse University, it took 18 years for her to finish it on her own. Since releasing the book, many people have told Ramel they have dealt with grief in a similar way she did.

In those 18 years, Ramel graduated with a degree in magazine journalism from Syracuse University and became a wife and mother. She went on to write at magazines like Time, POPSUGAR and HuffPost. She also became an editor at Seventeen. Ramel said these publications made her a better writer and editor and made her more prepared to put together the memoir.

Besides the journalism experience, she also said, “the biggest thing I needed was perspective and more life under my belt.” She had her husband, kids, family and friends to lean on during those 18 years of writing and editing “The Goodbye Diaries.”

Strong women in her life have consistently supported Ramel. The published author said she admires her mother and the way she shaped her life. Ramel also shared that her mother helped her find the balance between her role as a professional, a mother and a wife. Ramel said she often looks to her late mother to make her own decisions regarding balancing her life and family.

Ramel said because she lost her mother when she was 20, other women like her best friend and aunts have stepped into her life to help fill that motherly role for both her and her children.

When Ramel first heard she was called a “girl boss” she said, “It’s very easy to say, ‘that’s not me that is someone else.’” Once she stopped and thought about the label “girl boss,” she began to question the narrow idea she had of it.

“Couldn’t it be that carving this life out for myself that I wanted, having time with my children and having time as a professional and writing this book, couldn’t that be what I considered a ‘girl boss’?” explained Ramel. “Because I basically took charge of my life.”

This self-doubt is something Ramel tried to combat with pep talks. Before big speeches and events, she tells herself, “Why shouldn’t you be able to share your story? Why shouldn't it resonate with people? You know, if you don't tell your story, people aren't going to hear stories from women.”

Ramel said she feels reluctance is common for women.

“Many of us aren't as confident as we wish we were or as other people seem to be,” shared Ramel. She said pep talks work well, even though they can be embarrassing. She said, “they've pushed me to do things out of my comfort zone and silence that inner voice that says ‘what are you out there doing?’”

With the whirlwind of grieving the loss of her mother, writing and editing their book, and finally releasing the very intimate story to the world, Ramel said she doesn't feel quite ready to tackle any new projects immediately.

Although Ramel feels she has become more confident and comfortable with sharing her vulnerable story at all the promotional events, she said, “I feel like I just got out of a breakup, and I’m not ready to date again.”

Ramel is currently in the middle of promoting her book. She is traveling, doing book signings, giving speeches and appearing on podcasts. She recently gave a talk at Google on Oct. 2 and appeared on podcasts like “The Elegant Warrior.”

UGirlOctober 17, 2019