BY Elise Flannery ★ November 9th, 2026
Photo Credit: Elise Flannery
After one too many bad dates, it’s easy to lose hope of finding “the one.” I myself have wondered: Where’s the Peter to my MJ, the Johnny to my Baby, the Jack to my Rose? It feels utterly impossible to believe that I could be swept off my feet by my “knight in shining armor” in a dating environment where hookup culture and situationships have become the norm. While pondering the complete lack of romance and effort exerted by potential relationship prospects, I started to wonder if the expectations instilled in me by old Hollywood movies were completely unrealistic. I realized on screen, many female characters were still portrayed in traditional roles or “damsels in distress.”. My expectations were shaped by idealized portrayals in the media that to be successful as a woman, finding a man was the ultimate goal. Living in a world characterized by patriarchy and sexism, the women in the relationships I fantasized about didn’t have the same freedoms we have in the present day.
Today, women have the opportunity to be their own individual. Could this opportunity make men insecure? Perhaps the disappearance of a reliance on men, have made them insecure. Many women today feel that they don’t need a man to complete them, differing greatly from themes in traditional romance films. As women have become more financially and socially independent, some men may feel insecure when traditional gender roles no longer provide them with a clear purpose in relationships. Historically, men were often expected to be providers, protectors, and decision-makers, while women were often more economically and socially dependent on them. As women have become more independent, successful, and self-sufficient, some men may feel that the qualities that once made them desirable are no longer as valued. This insecurity could lead to an avoidance of emotional vulnerability and commitment, causing a preference on casual relationships that require less investment and carry less risk of rejection.
I asked my female friends about what they valued in a relationship and to describe the men they have encountered in the dating pool today. Their answers matched the idea that women now look for a partner based on compatibility rather than survival. My female friends shared that they seek a relationship because they want someone to talk to and connect with on a deeper level, and were clear that a relationship shouldn’t be built on dependence. Instead, it should be built on working together. They want company, someone who shares their interests, someone who hypes them up and who is fun to hang out with. All girls reiterated they don’t need a man to be fulfilled. They want a partner, but they don’t need one. Their descriptions of the dating pool echoed my own frustration, mentioning men today put in far less effort than our parents’ generation did, and that not leaving you on delievered is the standard of “relationship goals”, where in reality, most women would hope their romantic partner to go far beyond that bare minimum. Some called men egotistic and pointed out that no one at college is looking for anything serious. They feel men haven’t reached the maturity to care about commitment, and that many of them sleep around.
After conversing with my girl friends, I wanted to hear what the boys had to say on the topic. The conclusion I reached is that the number one reason men are discouraged to approach women is out of the fear of being rejected. I asked my male friends questions centered around the notion of viewing female independence as a hit to their masculinity and how would that feeling affect their behavior in the dating environment. Though none admitted to feeling emasculated by independent women, they did note that confident girls can be intimidating to approach. A few shared that they actually find independence attractive, but the idea that they could be rejected makes them hesitant. Based on my male friends' answers, seeing an attractive and outgoing girl talk to other guys effortlessly, makes them less willing to go up to her. They fear that the girl will choose another guy over themselves.
Some explained they would need some encouragement before approaching, or would rather be interacting in a large group prior to one on one conversation. Some were put off by girls who seem very outgoing or ambitious, and admitted that fear of rejection makes them nervous. When asking about relationships, they shared that ideally, they wouldn't want a potential girlfriend to feel she has to be independent, and would want her to ask for help with things they can help with. Though they value independence, they wouldn't want her to be so independent that they get no attention. Some mentioned they want to be able to approach her without her thinking she’s better than them, suggesting that men still want to feel needed, reflecting the provider and protector idea from my theory.
So where women read men’s behavior as low effort, it may not be a deliberate preference for hookups, but a fear of rejection that produces hesitation and passivity. My theory was partially supported by my conversations. These men weren’t threatened by independent women, but they still want to feel needed, and they’re afraid of putting themselves out there only to be turned down. Meanwhile, the women I spoke to aren’t waiting to be rescued. They want a partner, not a savior. Maybe that’s the real gap in today’s dating climate: not a lack of romance, but two groups of people waiting for the other to make the first move. Hollywood taught me to look for a knight in shining armor, but the women in my life want someone who works with them, not someone who swoops in and “saves the day”. It can be discouraging to find a match in today's dating environment, but it’s also a reminder that you don’t need to be chosen to be complete. A man isn’t the prize. You are.
Edited by Olivia Longabardi