Single, Self-Quarantined, & Searching For Love

How to look inward for love during quarantine.

by SOPHIE SCHLOSSER ★ JULY 3, 2020

Today, July 3, 2020, declares the one hundred and thirteenth day of national quarantine. In other words, I have now spent almost 113 days buried inside the safety net that doubles as my bed, patiently awaiting my prince charming to prance inside my room atop a brownish-white mustang that somehow speaks perfect English with a British accent (the horse, that is), carrying a handful of bright pink tulips that smell like a eucalyptus store, wearing a Carhartt beanie and semi-chipped black painted nails, with devilishly handsome looks and a heart of gold. Is that really too much to ask? 

If truth be told, yes – it is (apparently) too much to ask.

At the breach of self-isolation, I was utterly convinced that the world was conspiring against me in terms of romance. In fact, it became ingrained in my daily routine to frequently ask myself if I was the only person on planet earth lacking a significant other. I swear, even my ‘For You’ Page on TikTok was out to get me. I couldn’t even open that app without witnessing a perpetual flow of “boyfriend challenge” videos that vacuumed the esteem straight out of my bones. 

For months, my own emptiness overwhelmed me. I was stuck in a cycle of toxicity whereby my happiness was measured by comparison to artificial standards that proved to be inherently unattainable in my case. I tried to fill my gaping spaces with remedies like therapy, writing in a diary, exercise, and meditation, but none of these tactics stuck for more than a week. Before I knew it, I would be yanked back under the rapids of a boundless river of self-doubt and timidity. My palpable disconnect with reality prompted me to believe that finding love was my only lifeboat to safety. It seemed to be that way for everyone else – why should it be any different for me?

Slowly, I began to understand that my loneliness was senseless in that it was derived from my own misconceived expectations. Once I mastered the act of holding zero expectations, I watched as my most existential, deep-rooted issues vanished into thin air, one by one. But it wasn’t until I had a conversation with the closest thing I know to God (intentionally leaving that up for interpretation) that I was forced to confront my flawed perception of reality and grasp this pivotal message: it’s not the world conspiring against me – it’s me conspiring against myself. 

Considering the vast majority of my relationships have terminated within the depths of hell, trust me when I say I am no love expert. In fact, I am painfully unequipped to give advice when it involves how to operate within a relationship. With this being said, after nearly six hours of deep self-reflection, uncontrollable tears, and 467 repeats of the song, “As I Am,” by H.E.R., I do believe I am on the cusp of professionality for giving advice on how to love yourself. 

Below is a list of five lessons I’ve learned over quarantine that reflect the importance of finding love within yourself before seeking it elsewhere. 

You are in control:

A common misconception of existence is that the universe has complete control over us. Although some physical aspects of this notion are true, it is deeply essential to acknowledge that you are in control of your own reality. Most of all, you are in control of your mindset and the corresponding way in which you perceive situations. Innumerable amounts of people are convinced they possess zero control over their thought processes. If you’re anything like me, there is a continual flow of chatter inside your brain prompted by an invisible force. I have found that the first step to loving yourself is loving your mind, no matter how chaotic it seems to be. You must try to refrain from being at the mercy of your inner mind, as your ego oftentimes obsesses over futile matters. In order to gain control of your thoughts, you must practice mental awareness and recognize these unwelcome patterns. It’s beneficial to perceive yourself as the observer of your thoughts, rather than a slave to these figments of imagination. 

Focus on what you have rather than lack:

It’s inherently human to fall into the common pattern of noticing your insecurities rather than your proudest attributes. A lesson I’ve learned that has helped me monumentally in my pursuit of achieving self-love is to appreciate what you do have before dwelling on what you don’t. I know this may sound foolish, but trust me – it works. Every time you catch yourself focusing on an insecurity, outwardly voice one thing that you deeply love about yourself. By countering negative thoughts with positive facts, this subtle alteration of your mindset will become habitual and ultimately pave the way to self-fulfillment. For example, my greatest insecurity and most impenetrable fear is the mere concept of never being loved. With time, I realized this fear is irrational and may manifest into a reality unless I alter my mindset. So, I began acknowledging the fact that I am already loved – widely and deeply. Of course, I crave a deeper, more intimate connection – everyone does. But you have to trust that with time, it will come. In the meantime, focus on the love you already have.

Have zero expectations:

Vaguely explained earlier, I have found that the ultimate key to happiness is having zero expectations. When you expect nothing, everything else is a pleasant surprise. The unfortunate reality of mankind is that people are wired to view the world with a lens of continual expectation. Each of us are so entitled to how we think others should behave – how we think the world should operate – that we are constantly let down by unimportant events that simply didn’t go as planned by our internal ego. My true demise didn’t come from others’ lack of love for me, but from my own expectations for love being far beyond my reach at this specific moment in time. The solution: let your expectations dissolve. Don’t expect to find love, let love find you.

Self-love comes from self-trust:

These factors coincide by nature in that one cannot be achieved without the other. Although these two qualities are intrinsically different, I do believe that one cannot truly love themself without being able to entirely trust themself as well. In this life, you must allow yourself to fall backward into your own arms and trust that you will catch yourself too. The inability to trust oneself manifests itself in ways such as constantly regretting things you’ve done in the past or decisions you’ve made, as well as an extreme sense of hesitancy and uncertainty about the future. In this life, you must realize that every experience is a learning opportunity, shaping not only the person you are but the person you desperately hope to become. A lack of faith in yourself impedes the freedom and love you want to foster in this world, and hence, obstructs the possibility of achieving self-love.

You have to love yourself before others can:

You’ve probably heard these renowned words multiple times prior to reading this article. If I have learned anything over the course of these 113 brutal days of quarantine, it’s that this message is entirely true and must be believed. The way you perceive yourself essentially affects the ways that other people view you. In order for anyone else to believe it, you must first believe that you are an extremely valued person who is undoubtedly worthy of love. Truthfully, it’s less about loving yourself and more about liking yourself. Once you begin liking yourself, the action of loving yourself will come naturally. You’ll be more forgiving of yourself. You’ll seek less approval. You’ll wholeheartedly believe you deserve the world. You’ll finally tolerate not only who you are, but your existence in its entirety. 

Allow me to reiterate – the advice above is not written by some therapist or psychiatrist holding a doctorate of medicine, but rather a semi-relatable 18-year-old college freshman minoring in psychology and self-diagnosed with every possible mental health disorder known to mankind. On that note, this period of self-isolation provided me with a timeless opportunity to truly understand myself and, accordingly, change the parts of who I am that need improvement. I have set out on a journey to find my ultimate truth (whatever the hell that means) by viewing myself through an alternate lens that seeks sincerity and vulnerability above all else. Throughout this journey, I learned that while external love may be a tempting method to secure validation, nothing on earth is more rewarding and beautiful than locating love from within.